There’s a thin river of fat and mustard running from wrist to elbow. You pay it no mind. Squinting your eyes in the setting sun, you wrap your lips around that soft-yet-sturdy bakery bun. Sharp acidic sweetness of red onion, the briney tang of a crisp pickle, the unyielding smoke of bacon, perhaps a buttery fried egg oozing carelessly over a bubbling slice of provalone. And the patty…..oh the perfectly-pink-enough, succulent, sappy, brawny patty.
My brother lives all the way up in Seattle, but when he comes to visit we instantly turn into desperate salavating beggars for this very famous burgers. Well, famous to us. They should be famous. But what makes my brother’s burgers stand out is the care he takes. As an all-American food, you would think that citzens across the nation would take more pride in their could-be-boast-worthy burgers. Instead they haul out a pack of pre-made frozen patties from the icebox and slap them on the barbie, flipping and pressing with a spatuala. Then, they may even take a piece of slithering neon excuse for cheese out of it’s individual wrapper and melt that on top of the hockey-puck patty. It’s all quite cringe-inducing. Happily, the “designer burger” fad has swept most towns and has awoken a new hunger, a new standard. But for those of us who have a brother like I, well…no fad necessary. Follow these simple steps to ensure a lush hamburger experience:
THE BURGER COMMANDMENTS
1. THOU SHALT LET THE MEAT REST AT ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE THE MEAT DOTH HIT THE GRILL
2. THOU SHALT MOISTURIZE THE BURGER MIX WITH WORCHESTIRE SAUCE, AND SEASON LIBERALLY
3. THOU SHALT MAKE LARGE PATTIES, AND IMPRINT THOU THUMB INTO THE CENTER OF EACH, FOR NO SHRINKAGE SHALL OCCUR
4. THOU SHALT HANDLE THE MEAT WITH CARE WHEN FORMING PATTIES. THOU SHALT NOT SQEEZE AND PRESS THE PATTY, AS IT WILL BECOME FAR TOO DENSE
5. THOU SHALT NEVER PRESS THE PATTY WITH A SPATULA WHILE GRILLING, AND THOU SHALT ONLY FLIP THE PATTY ONCE